It all starts now

That night after all my planning I didn’t even eat dinner. I spent the night staring in the mirror, examining my breast and trying to find something wrong. But there was nothing. The swelling in the arm pit was still there but it wasn’t painful and I thought it was less swollen than previously. But my actually breast was normal. No lumps, bumps or any of the other normal signs of something being wrong. I finally convinced myself that the lymph nodes were enlarged for another reason.

When I saw my GP the next day he was also not too concerned. He couldn’t see or feel anything in my breast and believed we should just monitor at this stage. My gut was telling me differently and I requested a mammogram and booked this in for 2 days time. I went home feeling relieved. Surely a lump or something would have been felt if there was something wrong.

The next night I woke up with pain in my breast. It felt full and like it had grown twice the size in a few hours. Automatically my brain began thinking the worse, and by morning I was convinced I was going to die.

After very little sleep The mammogram was first thing in the morning. If there was anything unusual on the mammogram my doctor had requested an ultrasound as well. I stood in the mammogram machine, boob squashed down to what I clearly remember thinking looked like a pancake being squashed by glass and the pictures were taken. I was asked to wait in that room a few minutes before getting dressed. The next thing someone told me that I needed to have an ultrasound. No other comment, just to follow her to the ultrasound room.

I was taken in straight away and the ultrasound began. He began by scanning the right side which only took a few minutes. Then onto the left. This took nearly an hour. The radiographer was very quiet throughout and didn’t give me any hints. I was trying to think about anything else, trying to take myself out of the situation, trying to not let my brain roam to the worse possibility. All I did was talk about anything but the situation I was in. Once finished I drove to work. I think at this stage I was on autopilot, my brain could not think of anything else so I just drove to work. I rung my GP clinic to make an appointment for the results. I remember the receptionist telling me she couldn’t fit me in for two days. I yelled at her for this feeling like she just did not understand.

About an hour later my mobile rung. It was my GP clinic requesting me to come in straight away. At that point my whole world seemed to disappear.

I don’t remember the drive to my doctors which on average takes about 45 minutes but I do remember the look on the receptionists face when I walked in. Was she mad at me for yelling at her? Or was this the look of bad news? I was immediately taken in to see my GP and he did not mess around. “It’s not good news”. Then he gave me the report to read. High likely hood of malignant tumor are the only words which I saw before everything went blank and i don’t remember much from there.

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